15 Years

A Decade and a Half with Mental Illness

It’s Sunday, October 10, 2021.

World Mental Health Day.

Today is always a sobering day for me, as I think through my now 15-year journey with mental illness.

For those that don’t know: I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in June 2006, during my first major depression. I spent my graduation day from UCLA in a mental hospital coming to terms with the diagnosis that I had a mental illness – a disorder that causes up to 60% of those afflicted to attempt suicide and causes up to 19% of those afflicted to lose their life to suicide.

Those are sobering statistics, for sure.

But, now, having managed my mental illness for 15 years, I’ve learned that managing a mental illness like bipolar is a long, grind of a process. Occasionally, there is a game-changing breakthrough, like in December 2006 when I turned the corner toward progress after 6 months of intense treatment post-breakdown.

But those big moments are the exceptions, not the rule. Managing a mental illness over decades is the accumulation of a large number of small, consistent, incremental choices. For my mental health, these include: medication each and every day, a meditation practice, a hunger for knowledge about my illness, regular sleep/wake, daily exercise, alcohol in moderation, no illicit drugs, a practice of prayer and the reliance on the prayers of others, a team of mental health professionals to rely on, a faith in God, and a knowing of my limits when it comes to a heavy workload.

Small, consistent, incremental decisions that all add up to a mental landscape that is drastically different and drastically healthier than the broken-down, untenable, and suicidal reality of just 15 years prior.

Modern day Bible translator and Christian pastor Eugene Peterson uses the phrase “A Long Obedience in the Same Direction” for one of his book titles, and I think it’s a very applicable phrase for a mental health journey. That “long obedience in the same direction” is exactly what it means to manage mental illness: using small, consistent, incremental choices to pave the way to greater mental health.

Not that I’ve arrived, by any means. I’ve had plenty of ups and downs along the way – including experiences of anxiety and depression. But I’ve also come a long way since 2006. And while my mental health still has many more iterations to go as middle and old age come my way, I know that my “long obedience” has already produced a healthy marriage and family, a career in Corporate America, a strong faith, and healthy relationships with those that are close to me. And for that, I’m so thankful.

My goal is that I continue in the “same direction” so that, in another 15 years, I can still say the John Newton quote:

“I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I want to be, I am not what I hope to be in another world; but still I am not what I once used to be, and by the grace of God I am what I am.”

So, prayers for you, friends, as we all manage our mental health in this pandemic season – and as we acknowledge World Mental Health Day today. Know that I’m praying for you, that you don’t have to have it all together, that God is for you, and that you have what it takes to practice that “long obedience in the same direction.” 🙏🏻



Why I’m a Wuss About Halloween

I’m a wuss when it comes to Halloween. Just sayin.

I don’t like the skeletons, ghosts, ghouls, witches, scary masks, scary costumes, scary movies – any of it. Even Disneyland’s Halloween decor/parties give me the willies. I’m fine with all things Harry Potter, but all the dark stuff that comes with Halloween? I’m just a wuss about it all LOL. 😅

But, before you judge me, let me explain.

One of the verses in the New Testament that I’ve meditated on for years is from the Apostle Paul’s letter to the Philippians. In Philippians 4:8, Paul writes “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (NIV).

I also think a lot on a verse from Paul’s letter to the Ephesians: “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” (Ephesians 6:12 NIV).

These two verses have been in my mental and spiritual practice for years, and they always come up when Halloween comes around each year. Don’t get me wrong: I love that my kids get to dress up and trick-or-treat. And the school costume parades (pre-COVID) were the best. But there’s a dark side to Halloween that just wigs me out. A kind of spiritual darkness that always gives me the willies. And while I’m no theological expert when it comes to spiritual darkness, I have studied the concepts due to my own journey with mental illness – including recent resources like John Mark Comer’s latest book Live No Lies.

Moreover, though, I believe that we, as humans, are more than flesh and blood. I believe we have a spiritual part of us – an infinite, eternal part of us that is bigger than biology, something more metaphysical. And it’s in this spiritual reality, in the deepest part of what it means to be human, that the God of the Universe is drawing us to Himself – thanks to Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection. So, if it’s true that we are spiritual beings – if it’s true that we have an infinite, eternal part of our existence and that God Himself is working in that reality – then I want to make sure that I keep “the powers of this dark world” and the “spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” as far away from me as possible. That’s not too crazy, right?

Instead, I want to focus on “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable,” anything that is “excellent or praiseworthy.”

All said, I know that I’m a wuss about Halloween, and that this post might be a bit much. But, Halloween just wigs me out LOL. 🤗

I can’t be the only one, right?

Prayer Team

How Prayer Acquaints Us with Suffering and Teaches Us Faith

I’ve been a member of the Prayer Team at my local church for some time now, and I’ve come to learn two things about the Christian life because of it:

1. Nowhere do you become more acquainted with the suffering of your faith community than when you commit to pray as part of your church’s Prayer Team.

2. In practicing prayer with a Prayer Team, you get to learn, in greater nuance, the Christian understanding of faith.

Let me explain.

Churchgoers go to a Prayer Team with any number of prayer requests – oftentimes pertaining to very difficult situations, and in my church’s case, identified only by their first name. These prayer requests include but are not limited to sickness, divorce, financial struggles, mental illness, spiritual issues, and even the death of a loved one. And these tough prayer requests come to us, as Prayer Team members, week in and week out. You can see how quickly one would become acquainted with the suffering of his or her faith community by being included on these regular communications. Furthermore, you become even more acquainted with that suffering as you daily pray for those requests. It is as if, daily, in prayer, you reopen the wound of a fellow church member’s suffering as you intercede on his or her behalf.

All said: committing to a Prayer Team makes you well-acquainted with the suffering of those you share the church rows (or pews or YouTube channel) with. And that can be difficult, for sure, as your heart breaks over the pain others are going through. It’s also a not-so-gentle reminder that life is hard. For all of us. Or as Katherine and Jay Wolf might say: being part of a Prayer Team disrupts the myth that church life is a pain-free life. Or, even more, on a theological level, maybe this is part of what it means to be a co-sufferer with Christ.

But then there’s the faith part of being on a Prayer Team. And I don’t mean the wonder and joy that comes when a prayer is answered: a healing occurs or a financial provision appears or a Service member comes home safely from overseas or a prodigal family member comes home to God. Moments when God answers prayers the way we hoped for are wonderful, but Prayer Team members are still left with ongoing prayer requests about difficult situations that don’t have resolutions.

Instead, by practicing prayer as part of a Prayer Team, you get to learn a more nuanced take on the Christian understanding of faith:

“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” (Hebrews 11:1 NIV)


“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:18 NIV)

To daily enter into the prayer requests of my faith community teaches me that faith is the “assurance about what we do not see.” Faith is “what is unseen,” and, more, it’s in the unseen that we find the “eternal.” Faith resides in the immaterial, the spiritual, the eternal, in the infinity that resides within a human soul, in the deepest parts of what it means to be human. Faith is found collectively in the metaphysical beauty of a faith community as it leans into the love of God. Faith is not something you can quantify on a spreadsheet or store in a bank account; yet, it is cosmically powerful.

So when we go to prayer, we enter into that God-created space where, in His Presence, we can practice what we “do not see.” We can lean into the “eternal.” We can choose to hand over our own mortal, finite abilities, and, instead, have faith that the immortal, infinite Creator of the Universe will answer our prayers for our community’s good. The Apostle Paul says as much in his often-quoted letter to the Romans: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,” (Romans 8:28 NIV). And while we lean into the practice of prayer on our own and as a Prayer Team, the local Church can also bring us together regularly for communal worship and the study of Scripture – while also meeting material needs as they arise. From a theological end, this could be part of what it means to be co-heirs with Christ, right?

In total, being a part of a Prayer Team both acquaints me with suffering and teaches me faith. As I daily pray over what are, oftentimes, the tough realities of my fellow members of my local church, I daily open the wounds of those I share community with. And that practice is hard, no doubt. But in so doing, I also lean into the healing salve of faith: faith in a God who is present in the unseen, the eternal, and the infinite, and who is working in the very depths of our souls for our good. And, maybe, in this, we get to be co-sufferers and co-heirs with Christ, and be a Church that comes together to meet the needs of our community.



Finding Rest in a World that Doesn’t Stop

I read a phenomenal book last year by Jewish theologian Abraham Joshua Heschel titled The Sabbath. Heschel’s writings on Sabbath and rest are profound and accessible, and one of the many quotes I highlighted was:

“Six days a week we wrestle with the world, wringing profit from the earth; on the Sabbath we especially care for the seed of eternity planted in the soul. The world has our hands, but our soul belongs to Someone Else.”

As I’ve been thinking through what it means to find rest in a world that doesn’t stop, I think about three things that we all are facing:

1. Our capitalist economic system: a system fixated on never-ending growth that requires constant work to generate ever more profits.

2. The COVID-19 Pandemic: a pandemic where the virus mutates to infect ever more people, including those that are vaccinated – forcing all of us to remain on edge as we work to keep those we love protected and healthy.

3. Our democracy here in the US: a system of government that has moments of moral clarity, but then so often returns to the machinations of systemic inequity that so obviously scar our nation.

Where do we find rest in a world that doesn’t stop? Amidst American Capitalism? Amidst this pandemic? Amidst our system of government?

I can’t help but repeat Heschel’s words over and over in my head: “The world has our hands, but our soul belongs to Someone Else.”

In my faith tradition, that Someone Else is God – the God who first showed Himself to the world through the Jewish people, and who then made Himself available to all of humanity through Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection. The fact that our souls belong to this God requires us to think through how we can find Sabbath and rest in this non-stop age. We have to think through how we live in the “six days a week [where] we wrestle with the world,” as well as think through our practices as we take time to “care for the seed of eternity planted in the soul.”

In thinking through Sabbath and rest and their relationship to our economic system, our current pandemic, and our democracy, I was reminded of a verse in the Psalms of King David: “‘Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth,’” (Psalms 46:10 NIV). I’ve known and quoted this verse for most of my adult life, but I never noticed until now the kind of “Sabbath/Rest Equation” built into this verse.

Let me try to explain:

Be Still + Know that God is God = God will be exalted among the nations and in the earth

Or, more…

Rest and Be Present with God + Be Present in the Knowledge that God is God and We Humans are not God = God is exalted everywhere

Or, even more…

My Sabbath and Rest = God is exalted in all of Creation

This “Sabbath/Rest Equation” does require a definition of terms, because one might mistake “Sabbath/Rest” for doing nothing or being lazy – a kind of passive or negative event. However, both Sabbath and rest in this context are far from passive events. Being still and present with God, much like being still and present with your kids or your spouse or in a meditation, requires effort – an act that is “intrinsically positive” (Heschel). And more, we see positive action from God on His seventh day: “What was created on the seventh day? Tranquility, serenity, peace and repose,” (Heschel).

In total, by being still and by sitting in the knowledge that God is God and I am not, God is so intensely worshipped that our worship echoes throughout all of Creation, all that ever was, is, and will be. And tranquility, serenity, peace, and repose are birthed. What a crazy equation, right?!?

As we process a work-life amidst Corporate America, as we navigate the Delta Variant, and as we come alongside those who are working to realize a more perfect American Experiment, we must take time to rest, to Sabbath, to be still, to know God is God and we are not. And, in so doing, our rest is transformed into worship that resounds across the universe and echoes throughout time.

In other words: in Sabbath and rest, we give our souls back to the One to whom we belong. “What is the Sabbath?” asks Heschel, “Spirit in the form of time.”

Books July and August 2021

Got through a lot of content in the last two months. Reading while holding a sleeping newborn for most of July helped encourage the reading, and then I just kept at it through August. I’ve also included podcasts here for the first time as well. Hopefully you find a few here that you want to add to your list.

For original writing formed and shaped by books and podcasts like these, visit:


Or you can find my writings in my previous Instagram posts.

There’s always a lot of discussion happening via my texts, DMs, phone calls, and FaceTimes regarding all these topics and more. Don’t hesitate to (thoughtfully) reach out if anything is of interest to you. Always up for a good convo and/or a good book/podcast recommendation.


The Premonition by Michael Lewis

1 Samuel and 2 Samuel from the Bible

The Comfort Book by Matt Haig

The Seven Storey Mountain by Thomas Merton

Klara and the Sun by Kazuo Ishiguro

The Deeply Formed Life by Rich Villodas

The Boy, the Mole, the Fox, and the Horse by Charlie Mackesy (1st time reading it to Wells!)

New Seeds of Contemplation by Thomas Merton

The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

The Gospel of John from the Bible

On the Road with Saint Augustine by James K.A. Smith

A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle

Thoughts in Solitude by Thomas Merton

The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine N. Aron

Hebrews from the Bible

Better: A Study of Hebrews by Jen Wilki

The Comfort Book by Matt Haig (2nd time through)

Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke

Notes of a Native Son by James Baldwin

Hope Heals by Katherine and Jay Wolf

The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill by Christianity Today (a podcast, first 8 episodes)

Be Antiracist with Ibram X. Kendi (a podcast, Season 1)

Mary, Joseph, and Jesus were Refugees

Afghanistan, August 2021

My prayer today: that America would swing wide its gates for the Afghan refugees fleeing the Taliban.

This is who we are as a country:

“Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

-From The Colossus, the poem at the base of the Statue of Liberty

Read below for some words from my Christmas 2020 Post that are applicable today.

(From Christmas 2020)

“As soon as Jesus was born, Mary, Joseph, and Jesus immediately became refugees as they fled the violence of the Herod regime. Mary and Joseph were prompted BY AN ANGEL NO LESS to flee to Egypt. That is to say, God told Mary and Joseph to leave their homeland and live as refugees in Egypt until they could safely return after Herod’s death…

…It is not enough to say that God is for and with refugees. It must be said that God Himself has been a refugee.”

The Lord’s Prayer

Finding God in the Middle

We all have become well acquainted with loss, grief, and difficult news over last year a half: the spread of the virus, the world shutting down in 2020, a still uncertain future midway through 2021, expressions of systemic racism and systemic inequalities, economic instability and financial hardships, the Delta Variant, positive test results, and other severe health issues. It’s really been a heck of a last 18 months for all of us.

But we’ve also seen miracles: multiple vaccines created in record time, the self-sacrifice of our healthcare workers, teachers, and other essential workers, slow but real progress in the ongoing fight for civil rights for marginalized communities, and the US government taking huge steps to meet the needs of millions of Americans.

Although we have gone through so much over the last 18 months – as individuals and families, as communities, as a nation, and worldwide – we presently find ourselves in a kind of middle: heartbreak and pain and uncertainty commingled with hope and perseverance; a seeming pathway out of this pandemic but still many more steps until we reach any kind of finish line; a faith-filled “now” but a very real “not yet.”

It’s this kind of “middle” that my faith tradition knows really well. The Christian Scriptures tell of a Wilderness in between Israel’s slavery in Egypt and their arrival in the Promised Land; of 3 days of despair for Jesus’ followers after His death before the first news and then proof of His resurrection; of the groaning of Creation currently while we live in the midst of all things being made new in Christ (Romans 8:20-23).

We’re in the middle, the midst, the in between, the here but not yet.

But I believe it is here, in this present “middle,” that God is at His most intimately present. The Lord’s Prayer speaks precisely to the reality of a kind of “middle”: “‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven’” (Matthew 6:9-10 NIV). God is in Heaven and is ever present with us, holy and perfect, and He has a Plan from eternity past where His kingdom comes to earth: first through the Jews, then through Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection, and finally through the rest of human history where imperfect beings become perfected by being caught up in His perfect Will and extravagant Love. It’s with an infinity of brush strokes that all of Creation is being repainted, reborn, and renewed – made whole and complete, as it is in Heaven.

The reality is that the Artist is painting the Canvas every moment of every day, but the Masterpiece is not done yet. We’re in the middle. The midst. The in between. The here but not yet.

That’s why Jesus continues the Lord’s Prayer the way He does: “‘Give us today our daily bread’” (Matthew 6:11). We’re in the in between, the here but not yet, so we need His Provision daily to stay hopeful and faithful and determined and loving and kind and good. We need His Spirit to keep the candles burning through this long, dark night – this middle, this midst. And we need grace for ourselves and each other (v. 12) because the Wilderness is hard. Jesus crucified and in the tomb is hard. The groaning of our Spirits and of Creation is hard.

Right before Jesus is arrested and ultimately crucified, He tells his followers this: “‘I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world’” (John 16:33). We Christians know the middle, the here but not yet, the in between. But we have, in Jesus, the Overcomer, the Peace-giver, the Author and Perfecter of faith, the Resurrection and the Life, the One who brings Heaven to earth. Here in the in between, we can take heart. And we can pray the way Jesus taught humanity to pray – so that we don’t forget the Hope we have here in the “middle.”

The Artist is painting. It’s been an eternity past of brush strokes so far, and He has an eternity future to get His Masterpiece perfected. But the Lord’s Prayer reminds us that He is at work, today, here in the middle – in every single moment. We can take heart because He is making earth as it is in Heaven. He’s here with us in the middle, so very intimately with us. And that is good news in this present season; a bright light amidst our current night.

Books: May and June 2021

It’s been great last two months of reading.

The list is below, and reviews are in my Instagram Stories. Hope you find some good ones to add to your list!

Boundaries for Kids by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Anxious People by Frederik Backman

The Making of Biblical Womanhood by Beth Allison Barr

The Anthropocene Reviewed by John Green

The Obstacle is the Way by Ryan Holiday

Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir

Ego is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday

Be the Bridge by Latasha Morrison

New Kid by Jerry Craft

Stillness is the Key by Ryan Holiday (2x)

The Boy, the Mole, the Fox, and the Horse by Charlie Mackesy

Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl

Father’s Day 2021: A Letter to Hanes, Cohen, and BB #3

Dear Hanes, Cohen, and BB #3,

I wrote you a year ago on this day, and thought I would keep the tradition going: to write to you boys, about how much I love you, about all you’ve accomplished in the last year, and how thankful I am to be your Dad. Like last year’s letter, I also want to discuss some current events that you might not understand for many more years, but are important nonetheless. So bear with me on that. I’ve also added the soon-to-be-born BB #3 to this letter. He hasn’t been born yet, as of this writing, but he’s due any minute now. 🤗

Firstly, Hanes and Co: even though you’re both a bit under the weather today, I want you to know I am so proud of you both. This last year has been quite a year, as we dealt with all the germs. But you two did an amazing job: Hanes, you in kindergarten, staying safe and making the best of the various learning models and making new friends; and Cohen, you with Mommy as you two navigated safety protocols while still doing so many fun activities at home and seeing friends at the park. Hanes, you had a fantastic season with TBall, getting better and better with each game, and making a bunch of new friends. And you’re back to swimming and playing golf now that the weather has gotten warmer, which is always super fun. Co, you don’t hold back for a second in your desire to keep up with your older brother. You are still our “Bruiser” who fearlessly rides scooters and a big boy bike. But you also already have a good baseball swing off the tee, and you love going to the driving range. I love your fearlessness about life, Co. Super fun.

I also cherish the things about your personalities that have developed over the last year. Hanes, you really are our first-born, taking new adventures in stride while starting to show Cohen the ropes on all the things you both are capable of doing. You’re also wickedly smart with an amazing memory, and it’s been so great to see you succeed academically this year. You’ve made some wonderful friends at school with your kindness and love of sports. You make me smile with all the fun you have. Just know, with school, that you don’t have to be perfect, and that, as Grandma and Grandpa always said to me, “Just do your best and have fun.”

Co, you’re a character, in all the best ways. You are so smart too, and you don’t miss anything that Hanes does that you can do too. You also make me laugh with your playfulness and jokes, and you terrify me with your fearlessness when it comes to riding bikes and scooters. The thing I admire most about you right now is that whenever you fall, you get right back up – despite the scrapes on your knees and/or elbows – and you keep on going. You have that Carey determination. It’s such a good lesson for me as your dad: to know that it’s ok to fall, and that strength is found in getting back up and keeping going. I also love how much you’re enjoying the pool these days. Nothing better than a pool on a hot day, and I love that you love that too.

BB #3: I have no idea what you’re going to be like, as you’ve been growing in Mommy’s belly for the last 9 months and you could be born any minute now. Just know that you are already so loved by not only Mommy and I and Hanes and Co, but also by our whole extended family and our network of friends. You are coming into a strong, healthy, supportive, and loving family, and I can’t wait to meet you on your birthday!

I also want to tell you a few things that are happening currently that you might not fully understand right now, but are important for you to know. First, we are winning the fight against the germs through amazing vaccines, and I can’t wait for the day when we can vaccinate you three as well. It’s been a hard year with the germs, but brighter days are ahead. Also, we are so thankful, as a family, for the brilliant scientists who created the vaccines, and the front line workers (especially our teachers and medical professionals) who have braved the germs to help us be healthy and productive this year.

Secondly, we have a new president now, and while I don’t agree with him on everything, I’m thankful for him – as he is a really good mix of progressive policies and a measured personality. We’re at a really interesting time in our government as we come out of this season with the germs, and I think we’ve really learned that our government and our economy needs to work for ALL Americans – not just for those at the top. We’ll see what happens in the months ahead as we try to forge a more just America after this pandemic.

Lastly, this month we celebrate two big celebrations in our country: Pride and Juneteenth. With Pride, we celebrate the LGBTQ+ community and their history of standing up for their right to be who they are and love who they love. It’s a great celebration for all of us because it reminds us that God knit each of us in our mother’s womb, and that who we are and who we love is gift from God that must be cherished – especially in the face of any discrimination. We also celebrate Juneteenth to honor the setting free of those that had been enslaved here in our country. This is a big day for our Black friends, and we want to do everything we can to be an ally to our Black friends. And Juneteenth was just made a federal holiday, so yay! Both Pride and Juneteenth are celebrations of the freedom that is due every person, and they remind us that we ALL have been created in the image of God and are loved unendingly by Him.

That’s all I have for this Father’s Day. Like I said, I’m so proud of you boys. I love you so much. And BB #3: I can’t wait to meet you!

It’s the greatest gift in the world to be your Dad. Thanks for being such great boys.

Love you boys with everything I’ve got,


COVID-19: How We Lost the Game but Can Win the Series

It was October 24, 2020, and the Los Angeles Dodgers were facing the Tampa Bay Rays in Game 4 of the World Series. I was huddled in front of my iPad on a hotel bed, watching the game on YouTube TV. It had a been a back and forth game, with lots of scoring – enough see-sawing to drive even higher the already high anxiety levels of this Dodger fan. But the Dodgers had made it to the bottom of the 9th Inning with the lead, having scored the go-ahead run in the top of the 8th.

Ok, so: Bottom of the 9th. A one run lead. Two out.

Two strikes on a seldom-used Rays outfielder named Brett Phillips.

The Dodger closer Kenley Jansen was ready to shut the door on a Tampa Bay rally, ready to give the Dodgers a commanding 3-1 series lead.

Then, everything went to hell.

Phillips lined a single to center, bringing in the tying run for the Rays. Then, Dodger center fielder Chris Taylor literally kicked the ball, and Rays star Randy Arozarena – who started on first! – just ran and ran. Taylor retrieved the ball and threw it to Dodger first baseman Max Muncy. Muncy relayed it to Dodger catcher Will Smith. Arozarena FELL DOWN rounding third base and should have been out at home plate by 30 feet. But the ball from Muncy to Smith ricocheted away, and Arozarena got up, sprinted some more, and slid safely, head-first, into home plate, giving the Rays a series-tying win.

To say my heart sank in my chest is an understatement. Such a historically ridiculous defeat was, quite literally, shocking: I sat silently, in shock, on the bed, with my wife, not saying a word, not moving, for what must have been 10 minutes. Or longer. I don’t even know. I just sat there, looking past the screen showing the Rays’ celebration. Brutal. Heart-wrenching. Totally in shock.

Unfortunately, that heart-wrenching, shocking, historically wild sense of defeat that I felt in October 2020 was not an aberration in 2020. That sense of loss, where you know you are living through something historically intense but are seemingly unable to do anything about it, was the same feeling I’d felt consistently during much of the COVID-19 pandemic – as we all watched the world shut down, the stock market plunge, the layoffs hit, and the case numbers skyrocket. Add to it America’s systemic inequalities coming again to our collective front and center, and our internal “fight or flight” systems were, and have been, on overload for some time.

For me, the feeling has been one where I feel like my heart is sinking. Or that a gaping black hole has opened up inside me.

It’s interesting, right, that we use the phrase “my heart is sinking” in moments like these – when we know, of course, that our hearts aren’t physically moving downwards in our chest. We know black holes don’t just appear inside the human body, yet we intimately know that there are times of great loss or trauma or grief where a gaping hole opens up inside of us and there’s nothing we can do but sit on a bed, be silent, look at nothing in particular, and just FEEL.

What’s also interesting to me is that that sinking feeling, that feeling of a gaping hole inside me, hasn’t altogether gone away now that we’ve reached the end of May 2021 – despite the effectiveness of the vaccines, the decline of case numbers, the resurgence in our economy, and some forms of justice in our legal system. A better way to put it is that that sinking feeling, that gaping hole, returns regularly, sometimes for no reason, as an unwelcome reminder that the world can change drastically in very small amounts of time.

It’s as if my body – my mind and my insides – is telling me that life as we know it, as wonderful and precious as it is, is also so, so precarious.

The 2020 Dodgers went on to win the next two games against the Rays – ending a 30+ years World Series drought and setting themselves up for World Series contention for years to come. My first sports memory was Kirk Gibson’s walk off homer against Dennis Eckersley in Game 1 of the 1988 World Series, and, after winning that series, it took 30+ years for the Dodgers to get back on top, but not without a lot of effort and heartbreak and learning along the way.

Maybe that will be the case with us, too, as we start to emerge from this pandemic season. It might take years and a lot of effort and heartbreak and learning for us to regain the “normalcy” – whatever that means – that we had pre-COVID. The COVID-19 pandemic has been a historically intense season for all of us, and add to it the social justice component, and we really have our work cut out for us both as a society and as individuals with sensitive mental health realities.

But my hope is that, even though we lost so much in 2020, 2021 and beyond can be a kind of beautiful comeback for us all. A comeback where our society is more safe and equitable and just and holy and good. A comeback where, despite the fight or flight reminders that will inevitably come, we will be able to, sooner rather than later, hold our heads high and say we’ve come out on top.

We may have lost the game with COVID-19 and 2020, but hopefully we can win the series in the months and years to come. Who knows? It might only take two more games before we’re able to raise that trophy again.